On January 14, 2021 I handed in my last two grad school applications. The whole process of applying to grad schools was time consuming and nerve wrecking and I feel like I aged at least 3 years in that time. But some aspects about it have been very nice: I could engage a lot in self-reflection and think about the philosopher I want to be and the philosophy I want to do as well as the environment I want myself to be in. I also got to read many texts that were relevevant to me, my interests and my applications – unfortunatey, they are not at all relevant to my actual studies. It was great to do what I really wanted to do, but once the application process was finished, reality hit me even harder. I felt incredibly bad returning to my seminar texts. I read many texts on Black feminist philosophy, critical philosophy of race and meta-philosophical reflections on philosophy as a discipline. It was horrible to get back to Kant and Sellars and seminar contexts where none of these issues could be addressed. There was no way I could find fulfillment in academic philosophy in Germany, I felt that more than ever. On top of that I also had to deal with a racist philosopher and a department that wouldn’t do anything about it. (What a suprise given they didn’t do anything about the philosopher who sexually harassed me as well…)

I was thinking about my future a lot, knowing that me staying in philosophy was completely dependent on the applications I submitted. This, together with the stress from my studies and my department lead to the inevitable: a burnout. I had a meltdown and was on sick leave for two weeks. A lot happened in these two weeks: I got accepted to two grad programs, both among my top choices. (I’ll talk about this once I officially accepted one of the offers.) I made one of the best decisions this year and inofficially „dropped out“ of my master’s degree. I don’t have a high opinion about my department and my current studies, as might have become clear by now, and staying in this context adds no surplus value to my personal and professional development. A real break was needed anyways. I am aware of the challenges that lie ahead of me and I want to approach them fully charged with lots of energy and motivation.

So, what am I up to these days? As the title says, I don’t read a lot. Some pages of a book every day, a paper every now and then. Nonetheless I am still quite productive. I took up drawing, I refresh and learn languages, I learn how to play the guitar and I am back at playing video games, a hobby that I abandoned at the beginning of my undergraduate degree. (And yes, I consider every improvement on a skill as a kind of productivity, even if that skill is about a video game.) My brain is still working a lot even though that work is not expressed in words and arguments. At first I was worried that I might not be able to get back into philosophical thinking once I begin grad school. I was proven wrong when I gave three spontaneous tutorials on how to write a philosophy paper to some non-philosophers – this was a very rewarding experience that reassured me of my own abilities. There was no need for me to worry about my ability to think philosophically. What is philosophical thinking anyways? I think it’s not that much different from the thought processes of, say, an artist who contemplates how to break down an object into shapes. Thinking about the nature of the things surrounding us, expressing thoughts and ideas on a medium, re-thinking and re-imagining the supposedly given. Is this not what art and philosophy, at their core, are both about?

So much for a small update from my side. I guess that many of my upcoming post will be more like diary entries, just letting my thoughts flow. We’ll see where this will take us.